Wednesday, 17 June 2015


Trigger warning: mental illness, self-harm

I'm writing this post because I need to express some things, pretty sure nobody's going to read it but if you do, well, thanks...

Basically I finally went to a doctor two weeks ago and she told me I have depression and advised me seriously to take a prescription for Prozac. It wasn't much of a surprise, I've been pretty sure I had depression for years but I kind of vehemently mistrust any kind of authority so although my friends have been pushing me to go and get help for ages I wouldn't... but it was still a shock to get the actual diagnosis. I don't know why, I spent last year mostly crying in my room or in campus bathrooms, I was self-harming way too much, I was in first counselling and then CBT and basically just lied my way through it to make the problems I was having sound less severe because I was scared my various counsellors and therapists would judge and hate me...

Anyway this year things got worse, I don't want to detail how much worse, but I'm pretty terrified of it even now when I'm slightly more in control. I was lucky last term that I didn't actually have any deadlines to complete (what can I say, my course at university is weird) because I was in a really, really bad state. It continued to get worse throughout exam period, I barely did any work so I really don't want to know my grades, and it wasn't helped by the fact that I'm graduating soon and have absolutely no clue what to do next, or interest in doing anything to be honest; my family and my closest friends also struggling with some really heavy stuff; actual paralysing anxiety about exams; and a massive recurrence of a problem I've always had to do with eating and body image.

Basically, things are really shit. I'm really trying not to burden anyone with this stuff, which is why I'm posting it on a little-noticed blog... my best friend has had to deal with too much from me these past two years, including my calling her while very very drunk one time and telling her some very, very dark shit. I feel terrible about that, I really freaked her out and there's nothing I can do to change that, nobody needs that kind of burden and I can't believe I did such a horrible thing to her. I can't tell my family, my mother thinks people with depression are just pathetic and attention-seeking (she's literally said as much) and I don't want to worry her anyway because she's going through enough right now.

I really, really don't want to start taking medication. I'm done with counselling, it's always been useless for me mainly because I get extreme social anxiety in those situations. So I don't know what to do... I'm really struggling here to figure this out, I have to go home from university soon because my tenancy ends here at the end of June and home is just... such a bad place to be right now. I have no money to get away somewhere and I have totally failed to get any kind of summer job, let alone formulate a long-term plan because frankly I just haven't really been motivated to apply for much. I have offers to do Masters courses but absolutely no way of paying for them... and I'm going to leave this place and absolutely nobody is going to know or care that I existed, except this one amazing friend I have whom I've never done anything for except mess up her life and bring her down. I just don't know what the point of this is or why I'm even bothering to try at this point and I'm fucking scared of how much sense certain really bad options are making right now.

I'm sorry... I'm not writing this to ask for sympathy or anything. I just need to express these things somehow, to someone, even if it's just myself on a keyboard... and that's fine. I'm not in any danger, I'm just lost and confused and in pain, and I'm trying to think myself out of it. If anyone has any advice it would be so, so appreciated, but to be honest I'm not expecting anyone to read this far... and that's totally fine, that's not a criticism at all.

I'm just tired is all, I just want something to be easy, just for once.